Jaffle Inc Read online

  Table of Contents

  Chapter 1 – 1st June

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4 – 2nd June

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10 – 3rd June

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13 – 4th June

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15 – 5th June – 14 days until Operation Sunrise

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18 – 6th June – 13 days until Operation Sunrise

  Chapter 19 – 7th June – 12 days until Operation Sunrise

  Chapter 20 – 8th June – 11 days until Operation Sunrise

  Chapter 21 – 9th June – 10 days until Operation Sunrise

  Chapter 22 – 11th June – 8 days until Operation Sunrise

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24 – 12th June – 7 days until Operation Sunrise.

  Chapter 25 – 13th June – 6 days until Operation Sunrise

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27 – 14th June – 5 days until Operation Sunrise

  Chapter 28 – 15th June – 4 days until Operation Sunrise

  Chapter 29

  Chapter 30

  Chapter 31

  Chapter 32

  Chapter 33

  Chapter 34

  Chapter 35

  Chapter 36

  Chapter 37

  Chapter 38 – 19th June

  Chapter 39 – 1 hour and 56 minutes until Operation Sunrise

  Chapter 40 – 24 minutes until Operation Sunrise

  Chapter 41 – 0 minutes until Operation Sunrise

  Chapter 42

  Jaffle Inc

  Heide Goody & Iain Grant

  Pigeon Park Press

  ‘Jaffle Inc’ Copyright © Heide Goody and Iain Grant 2019

  The moral right of the authors has been asserted. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, except for personal use, without the prior permission in writing of the publisher.

  Published by Pigeon Park Press

  www.pigeonparkpress.com

  [email protected]

  – 1st June

  It was all the mouse’s fault. If I hadn’t seen the mouse I wouldn’t have got into trouble with Levi. If I hadn’t got into trouble with Levi, Paulette wouldn’t have kept me behind. If Paulette hadn’t kept me behind, I wouldn’t have gone into the wet apartment and been fined by Patrick Helberg. If I hadn’t been fined by Patrick Helberg, I wouldn’t have been late to work and wouldn’t have met Rufus Jaffle.

  It was all the mouse’s fault.

  ***

  “Good morning! Jaffle Tech incorporated – Complete peace of mind for a little piece of your mind. My name is Alice. How can I help you today?”

  “I’ve got a problem with my settings.”

  “Yes?” I said as customer data flooded onto my heads-up. “What problem is that, Jackson?”

  “I’m trying to take a look at my spare capacity usage. I look at what my usage is every week.”

  “Yes?”

  “But now, every time I do, it tells me I need to do an update and agree to the new terms and conditions.”

  “Yes. And have you done the update? I can talk you through that if you—”

  “No, I don’t want the update.”

  “You don’t want the update?” I said.

  “No. If I have the update then I have to agree to the new terms and conditions.”

  “That’s right. You just tick the box and hit agree.”

  “But I don’t agree.”

  “Crumbs!”

  The Crumbs! was for both the caller and for the little creature that I had just spotted in my cubicle. A mouse. Black eyes, dull fur, a tiny twitching nose. It perched on the back edge of my desk, just above the gap between the desk and the back board which separated my desk from the one opposite. The cubicles were designed to be free of distractions but this tiny invader had clearly not been briefed.

  “I’m on the Jaffle Standard package,” said the caller.

  “I can see that, Jackson. Same as me.”

  “The new terms and conditions no longer say we can pick what our spare processing capacity is used for. I look at what my usage is every week.”

  “Yes.”

  “For example, it’s currently being used for camera feed analysis in Newcastle.”

  “It is. Your spare processing capacity is being used to identify broken infrastructure that needs an engineer. Or it might pick up a person who needs medical assistance, for example.”

  “And I’m fine with that. That’s lovely, that is. But if I agree to the new terms and conditions and they decide to use it for something bad—”

  “Something bad?”

  “Yes. I don’t know. Something bad like … like … well, I can’t think of anything bad right now but I’m sure I’d know it when I saw it. I’m just not happy.”

  The mouse’s nose twitched, sniffing the air. It looked lost.

  “Where did you come from?” I said.

  “I beg your pardon?”

  “Sorry, not you, Jackson—”

  The mouse, perhaps aware that it was being talked to, vanished down the back of the desk.

  “I mean, I see what you mean,” I said.

  I crouched to look underneath my desk. The mouse clung to the narrow cabling stalk at the back of the desk. Its pink claws reminded me of the Jaffle squirrels that worked in the parks. I reached forward tenderly to scoop it up but it darted away, to the ground and to the next cubicle along.

  “Now, we could totally circumvent this problem if you upgrade to the Jaffle Enhanced package,” I said, following the mouse as it scuttled past the desks of my colleagues.

  The caller scoffed. “Oh, I’m quite a long way from being able to afford that.”

  Most people were. I made sure I kept the smile in my voice.

  “I just don’t want the update,” said Jackson.

  “I don’t think that’s possible,” I said. “If you don’t update then we can’t provide you with an appropriate level of support or further, er, updates for your Jaffle Port.”

  “But I don’t agree to the terms.”

  “But when you signed up, you agreed to accept routine updates.”

  “Did I? Where did it say that?”

  “In the original terms and conditions. You hit agree.”

  “What are you doing?” said Hattie when I reached the end of the row. She was on a pause between calls.

  I muted the caller a second. “I’m not doing anything.”

  On Hattie’s screen was a picture of a Smiley Tot. Hattie pointed at the image. “It’s a Smiley Tot.”

  “Yes.”

  “But it’s a Smiley Tot.”

  “I know,” I said.

  “But it’s so…” Hattie gave a shiver of pleasure. “Isn’t it?”

  “It’s a Smiley Tot!” I unmuted the call. “Now, Jackson, you need to agree to the new terms and conditions to get those routine updates.”

  “But…”

  “Yes?”

  “You’re saying that when I first agreed to the terms and conditions, I was agreeing to all future terms and conditions, even if I didn’t know what they were?”

  Hattie followed my gaze and bent to look under the desk.

  “Don’t,” I muttered, but it was too late. Once glance at the mouse was enough to make Hattie leap onto her chair, quivering in shock. I tried to convey, with a few hurried gestures, that everything was going to be fine and I would sort it out. I had also completely forgotten what th
e caller had just said to me.

  “Let’s not lose sight of what you’re getting in exchange for giving up your spare capacity,” I said, blandly. “Your port gives you enhanced memory storage, memory export to other Jaffle Port users, direct access to entertainment media and learning resources.”

  “Oh, I know. It’s lovely.”

  When the mouse ran on to the next row of cubicles, I trotted after it. This floor alone contained two hundred cubicles so, at this rate, it could be a long pursuit. I was no longer sure why I was following it.

  “And much of your spare capacity is taken up with essential service software, Jackson,” I continued. “That’s your firewall, obscenity filters, system check, defragmentation and deep clean and, of course, the all-important customer feedback data so Jaffle Tech can keep on making improvements for you.”

  “And I’ve been very happy up until now.”

  “Of course, you have. And, remember, the longer you are with us, the more your Jaffle rating goes up and that’s vital if you’re looking for a new job or applying for credit finance. Everyone loves a good Jaffle rating.”

  The mouse had come up against a wall and scurried along.

  “And, what’s amazing when you think about it, Jackson,” I said, my mouth on full auto-pilot now, “is this is provided for you at absolutely no charge while you remain on the Jaffle Standard. It’s Jaffle Tech’s gift to the world.”

  “It is free, I suppose.”

  “And, rest assured, Jaffle Tech has the strongest ethical standards when it comes to what we use your spare processing capacity for. Jaffle Tech users are making the world a safer, cleaner and better place, even in their sleep. By signing over your spare capacity to us, you’re being a hero, every minute of every day.”

  “No, yes, I suppose you’re right,” said the caller. “It’s just… it’s my brain, isn’t it?”

  “Of course it is. And what a wonderful brain it is too, Jackson.”

  There was a pause.

  “Just tick the box and hit agree?”

  “That’s right, Jackson. Have a good day, now.”

  I killed the call. The mouse ran past a door which happened to swing open. I ran for it. There was a shout and a clatter.

  In the elevator lobby stood Levi Krasnesky, the security guard. He had a plastic lunch box tucked under his arm, like a sergeant major’s baton. He glanced at me before looking down at the base of the potted plant next to him. He stamped down hurriedly on something behind the plant pot.

  “No, ya don’t, you varmint,” he grunted as he stomped. Two, three times.

  I was out of breath and stunned to see him stamping on… “Did you?”

  “Did I what?” he said.

  I moved forward to look. Levi held up his hand to stop me. “Woah, hold your horses, miss. Not a pretty sight.”

  “I think you might have accidentally killed a mouse,” I said. I wasn’t sure what else could have happened.

  Levi straightened up and tucked his thumbs into his heavy belt. He was not a tall individual – he was quite boyish looking, probably not helped by that reedy moustache he was trying to grow. He looked like he still had some growing to do.

  “Oh, let me tell ya,” he said, “that animal did not belong in the system.”

  “The system?”

  “Oh, no. That animal was not even a part of the system. Therefore it did not technically exist.”

  “Really?”

  “Now, do I or do I not run a very tight ship around here?”

  I nodded, hoping that I was responding to the correct part of the question. I wasn’t sure if there was even a ship for him to run. He was a security guard. Merely one component of the large security team at Jaffle Tech.

  “Yabetcha,” he said, “and did I just witness you running in the workplace?”

  I considered the question. “I think you probably did, yes. You have cameras everywhere and you’re always watching.”

  He liked that. “I am always watching. Yes, indeed. Heck, you are smarter than you look, It’s Alice, isn’t it?”

  “Yes.”

  “You look smart but I gotta ask myself, if you were paying attention to my security awareness memos—”

  “Are those the printed sheets you keep taping to the fridge in the staff rec area?”

  “My security awareness memos,” he nodded.

  “Did anyone find out who stole Brandine’s bagel?”

  “Alice, I am not talking about Brandine’s bagel. I am asking you why would ya disregard safety in the workplace?”

  “I was dealing with … um.” I accessed my Jaffle Port literacy booster. A millisecond of jipping and I said, “It was an anomaly.”

  “You were dealing with an anomaly and thought that you’d compromise the safety of all of your co-workers?” Levi said. He tugged on the peak of his cap tersely. “You would risk the lives of the six hundred people on this section alone just to deal with your anomaly?”

  I enjoyed problem solving and spent a few moments trying to picture a scenario where me running between the cubicles might result in six hundred deaths, but I came up blank. Before I could ask Levi he had begun air-swiping on his own heads-up display.

  “Miss, it is your lucky day, don’t ya know.”

  “Is it?”

  “Yabetcha. We’re scheduling a re-run of safety training module 5b during your section meeting later. Better that than add an infraction to your personnel record.”

  “Who’s we?” I said.

  “What’s that?”

  “Who’s scheduled the training?”

  “I have. Jaffle Tech site management have.”

  “Well, which one?”

  He huffed. “Site management, which encompasses the security team which encompasses me. Ergo, we, that is I, have scheduled the training. Do I need to explain it further?”

  “No,” I said.

  “I need ya to keep your head in the game for all of our sakes, Alice, so pay close attention, ya hear?”

  Chastised, I returned to my desk, calling in on Hattie who was still staring at the floor as if the mouse might return at any moment.

  “What was it?” said Hattie.

  “A mouse,” I said.

  “I didn’t like it.”

  “No. Something else you’re not going to like. We’ve got a safety training session during the meeting this afternoon.”

  Hattie wasn’t happy. “They’re not going to show The Film again, are they?”

  I couldn’t lie. Instead I chose distraction. “That’s a pretty Smiley Tot.”

  “Isn’t it though?” said Hattie. “I’m thinking of putting it on my Want List.”

  “You have enough Smiley Tots,” I said.

  “You can’t have too many Smiley Tots,” said Hattie. “And this one has the sweetest little bonnet.”

  “Yes, it does and, yes, you can. You can’t go into your bedroom without tripping over Smiley Tots.”

  “You haven’t been tripping over my Smiley Tots, have you?”

  “No, I’m simply saying—”

  “Oh, I can’t imagine how I’d feel if one of my Smiley Tots was hurt.”

  I thought about the squashed mouse. I hadn’t seen it but I could picture it in my mind’s eye. Picturing imaginary things didn’t come easy if you were operating on Jaffle Standard but if the image was strong enough…

  “Oh,” said Hattie, fanning herself with her hand. “My tots hurt. And the shock of seeing that horrible mouse and— Oh. I feel properly discombobulated. Have my cheeks gone red?”

  Hattie’s cheeks were always red.

  “Discombobulated?” I said.

  “Literacy booster,” said Hattie.

  I nodded. “I just jipped the word anomaly.”

  “Anomaly,” said Hattie. “Oh, that’s fun to say, isn’t it? A-nom-a-ly.”

  And with that Hattie had forgotten all about the mouse. I hadn’t.

  ***

  Chapter 2

  The training room was set out w
ith amphitheatre seating. The six hundred plus members of the section barely filled a third of the seats. Paulette, the section leader, took to the stage. Familiar images of Jaffle Tech products slid across the giant screen behind her.

  “Yesterday, a Jaffle swarm in Yucatan foiled a kidnap attempt at a private school. Jaffle sharks patrol the Pacific, protecting our precious ships from enemy aggressors. This year, we broke the ninety-seven percent barrier. That’s right. Ninety-seven percent of the domestic population use a Jaffle Port.”

  The audience started to clap.

  I clapped enthusiastically. I didn’t like to think about the other three percent. Most of them were the very old, born long before the brain port was invented and too stubborn to become adopters. But the rest, those strange few, were the ones who had refused the gift of the Jaffle Port: religious nutjobs, weirdos. I felt a mixture of pity and disgust for them.

  “And,” said Paulette, “this week marks twenty years since Jaffle Tech made the promise to give a Jaffle Port to every single new-born baby – a promise we’ve kept ever since.”

  The applause was ecstatic.

  There was an access request on my Jaffle Port. I accepted the jip-request. With a sweep of her arm, Paulette cast hundreds of overlapping brain charts onto the screen.

  “And look what good we’re doing,” said Paulette. “Sian Saunier.” A woman whooped off to the left. “Your spare processing capacity has been working on the Near Earth Infrastructure Program.”

  There were approving murmurs around the room.

  “Paul Obeng.” Paulette acknowledge his handwave. “Monitoring traffic flow on the city interchanges.”

  There was well-mannered sounds of amusement.

  “Hey, your brain might not be conquering the final frontier like Sian’s but it’s making our world a safer place! Hattie Rutherford. Wow. Working with international intelligence agencies to identify potential terrorists.”

  “My brain is a secret agent,” said Hattie with deadpan cool and smirked. She and I smiled at each other with shared pride.

  Paulette displayed a chart showing brain utilisation rates, and I was delighted to see that a certain Alice Tennerman was in the top five on the efficiency leader board. I leaned across to whisper in Hattie’s ear. “You may be a secret agent but my brain’s better.”